Hospital Hotties: The parakeet tells all

“Have you had any previous surgeries?”
                Tonsillectomy in 6^th grade and I got a Barbie Doll and “Friday Night Date” outfit for her.  Does that count? And I’ve had all my reproductive innards ripped out in 1994 and then more cut out in 1999. 
                I chirped like a parakeet tell-all personality, filling them in on details for the next Hospital Hotties Tabloid publication.
               I learned several things myself. The medical arena has changed in 20 years.  My fears and flashback horrors never materialized.  Nurses are not only competent and kind, but they listen and these nurses encouraged me rather than drag me from my bed only to collect me in a puddle of fainting pain.  In addition, medicine itself has improved.  Doctors and nurses, anesthesiologists and auxiliary staff are patient-centered and recognize concerns and act accordingly.
                   A few things remain the same: 1. Everyone needs to see stiches, glued parts, and general frontal landscape, so modesty is totally out.  Tell Victoria that there are no Secrets!   2.  Hospital Gowns are clean and utilitarian, made in Russia and underwritten by the National Organization of Ugly Women. 3.  Measuring Input and output are nice ways of asking if you have pee-pee’d or poo-poo’d lately, how much did you eat and what do you weigh.  These numbers are important. 
                        Girls can only do so much to combat these Hospital Truths:  1. Pretend there is a geriatric hospitalization centerfold audition and these ogling examinations are your audition for a photo op: Playboy (the first-ever version for the blind.) 2. When the nurses agree that you may don undies, choose those that color-coordinate.  It’ll give them something to laugh about as you sashay down the hallway for exercise or make your way to a bed-side potty-chair. 3. Choose peaches, water, and chocolate soufflé at each meal, after you step-up from broth, Jello chunks, and frozen fruit delights.  4. Girlfriends will bring make-up, tweezers, and shampoo.  Use everything.
                                          Be assured that, given my particular situation, I am fully cognizant of the following statement:  Difficult as it may be, I have only this surgery to recover from.  No chemotherapy or additional bodily assaults.
                                As they say in these parts, “I’ve Had Worse,” and I know to be grateful.